View Full Version : Free Air Fills For Jokes!
Chris@Aquatron
09-09-08, 16:18
This special offer is only available to CA members!
After chatting to Gord I wanted to do something just for the guys and gals of CA and so far this is the best I've come up with! :D
As you may be aware we are running another HUGE event at the end of September on Saturday 27th and Sunday 28th that is advertised in this months Scottish Diver. This will be our End Of Season Sale!!!! We have special guests from Scubapro, Uwatec, Fourth Element, Beuchat and Northern Diver with fantastic, unique offers that will match or beat the best prices planned for the Birmingham Dive Show.
To help promote this event we are having a 'Free Air Fills All Weekend' promo which will mean one fill per person per day. Only air fills (no nitrox!) and cylinders must be in test - obviously :) Customers will be issued a voucher when they enter the sale and it must be redeemed that day.
So, in combination with this, I have a special CA promo. If you post a Joke in reply on this thread I will issue you with another voucher for a free air fill! The trick is the Jokes must be clean, not offend anyone, and not be racist, sexist or ageist! One voucher per member although you can post as many jokes as you like. Oh yes, and the jokes must be funny!
There will be a prize for best joke. When we have a few I will open a Poll to let the CA members vote on the best and the closing date will be Friday 26th at 6:00pm.
Good Luck!
Q. What do you do if you see a trumpet in your flowerbed???
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A. Root-it-oot
Chris@Aquatron
09-09-08, 16:32
Q. What do you do if you see a trumpet in your flowerbed???
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A. Root-it-oot
Brilliamt!!!!!
Sent the standard low and we can only do better :D LOL
How do you know a blonde has been using your pc?
Tipex on the screen.
How do you know an Irishman (sorry Gord!) has been using your pc?
Writing over the tipex.
Yogi Diver
09-09-08, 17:37
The trick is the Jokes must be clean, not offend anyone, and not be racist, sexist or ageist! Oh yes, and the jokes must be funny!
And just how do you expect to get all that from the shower on this forum? :o:D
Chris@Aquatron
09-09-08, 17:38
How do you know a blonde has been using your pc?
Tipex on the screen.
How do you know an Irishman (sorry Gord!) has been using your pc?
Writing over the tipex.
LOL !!!!!!
Chris asked for the jokes to be clean, not offend anyone and not be racist, sexist or ageist!
That's me stuffed then :D
how can you tell if a blokes gay?
kiss him on the lips if he closes his eyes he is
if he shuts yours hes not:D
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive.... so, I took her to a petrol station.....
And then the fight started....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked,' Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
GATES vs GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
'If GM had kept up wit h technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
'If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
ApocalypsE is offline Report Post Reply With Quote
Clean and un-offending.....Ok I will try but no guarantee they will be funny!
Two fish swim into a concrete wall, One turns to the other and says "Dam!"
How do you make a cat go woof?
Pour petrol on it, then light it!
(Offending cat lovers doesn't count)
How do you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
Taste!
According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
fünf
The long One
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty-one. The booming voice goes UN-FECKING-BELIEVABLE!!
Try this next time you are in an Airport!
Go up to the Airport Information Desk and ask them How many Airports there are in the world! :D
I was in a bar in the Swiss alps last night and a proton walked in and said to the bar man
"Can you help me, i seem to have lost my neutron"
the guy behind the bar replied "Are you positive?"
Two goldfish in a tank one said to the other "can you drive this thing?" :p
is there a prize for the worst joke as im sure i could give it a run for its £
Two divers go spear fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.
The first one says, "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish."
The other answers, "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot."
"You idiot!" cries the first, "How do you know we will get the same boat tomorrow?"
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
dive granny
10-09-08, 22:48
A man takes his dog to the vet. The vet examines the dog and says it will have to be put down.
The man asks for a second opinion, so the vet brings in a cat who has a wee snip round the dog and agrees with the vet.
The man asks for another opinion, so the vet brings in a labrador, who has a sniff round the dog and also agrees it has to be put down.
The man accepts the decision and the vet puts the dog down. the vet then says "That will be £6000.00". "How so much" says the man.
"Well" says the vet, "My fee would have been £50.00, but the cat scan and the lab test are extra":D
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. This man came in, he was already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting in the corner.
He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"
The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His friends were starting to get mad.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"
The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, grandad, you're drunk. Go home!"
I will probably get lynched for this one, but i thought it was funny :D:D
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Welsh
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came
to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network
more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Welsh, in the weeks that followed, English
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines
in the London newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found
traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a
hundred years earlier than the Welsh."
One week later, "The Daily Record," a Scottish newspaper,
reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat
in a bog near Glasgow a self taught archaeologist
and eminent worrier of sheep, reported that he found absolutely
nothing. Jock has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Scotland had
already gone wireless."
scubagranny
11-09-08, 18:41
Liked that one!!
Airmonster
11-09-08, 18:55
From my 6 year old daughter, so if it's bad you can blame her. :o
Why do Dragons make bad bosses?
Because they fire everyone!
I'll get ma coat!
/Colin. :D
A bailiff is deperate to catch a guy he thinks is paoching. Day after day he watches him disappear out on the lake on a boat.
No fishing equipment, rods, reels lines all missing but comes back in with loads of fish everyday.
After weeks of secret observations the bailiff is none the wiser and decides to pretend to be a fellow fisherman and asks if he can go out on the boat fishing with him.
"Sure" the fisherman says, hop in and away they go to an isolated spot and anchor up.
The fisherman reaches into a box pulls out a stick of dynamite and sets light to it.
"AHA, caught you, your under arrest for poaching, iv'e caught you red handed" cried the bailiff.
The fisherman calmly hands him the burning stick of dynamite sits back down in the boat and says:
"Never mind that mate, are you talking or fishing".
A man walks into a bar and askes the barman for a pint and a packet of helecoptor Crisps.
The barman replies, sorry mate I've only got plain!
BOOM BOOM
Chris@Aquatron
15-09-08, 18:35
Two cows in a field and one says to the other 'Did you hear about this Mad Cow Disease? I don't know about you but its got me really scared! The other cow turns to him confused and says 'It doesn't bother me.... I'm a duck!'
LOL, LOL, Thats got to be the best so far ?????????? I win! :D :D :D
Nice Fair tactics there Chris! Not sure a majority vote would concur with you though :D
Chris@Aquatron
16-09-08, 13:16
Not sure a majority vote would concur with you though :D
It never does mate..... :D Made me smile though!
This special offer is only available to CA members!
After chatting to Gord I wanted to do something just for the guys and gals of CA and so far this is the best I've come up with! :D
As you may be aware we are running another HUGE event at the end of September on Saturday 27th and Sunday 28th that is advertised in this months Scottish Diver. This will be our End Of Season Sale!!!! We have special guests from Scubapro, Uwatec, Fourth Element, Beuchat and Northern Diver with fantastic, unique offers that will match or beat the best prices planned for the Birmingham Dive Show.
To help promote this event we are having a 'Free Air Fills All Weekend' promo which will mean one fill per person per day. Only air fills (no nitrox!) and cylinders must be in test - obviously :) Customers will be issued a voucher when they enter the sale and it must be redeemed that day.
So, in combination with this, I have a special CA promo. If you post a Joke in reply on this thread I will issue you with another voucher for a free air fill! The trick is the Jokes must be clean, not offend anyone, and not be racist, sexist or ageist! One voucher per member although you can post as many jokes as you like. Oh yes, and the jokes must be funny!
There will be a prize for best joke. When we have a few I will open a Poll to let the CA members vote on the best and the closing date will be Friday 26th at 6:00pm.
Good Luck!
A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to is mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'
The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that?' The little boy admitted that she did.
'Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time.
Now, let your mother explain that to you.'!!!
Chris@Aquatron
17-09-08, 18:21
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
**********
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
**********
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
**********
A man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm and
says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
**********
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
********
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
**********
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
**********
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to
Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
**********
One says, "I've lost my electron."
"Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
**********
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
**********
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
**********
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
**********
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
*********
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with nuts & hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
**********
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
A horse sits down at a bar, and the bartender asks. Why the long face?
A string walk into a bar, and the bartender says"hey we don't serve strings here" The string goes back out side, twists himself up, messed up his hair and walks back into the bar. The bartender says" hey aren't you that string I just chased out of here?" The string looks at the bartender and says
frayed knot.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" And the grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Bob?"
A man walks into a bar and says ow.
A plate of Bacon and Eggs walks into a pub. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."
Chris@Aquatron
24-09-08, 19:10
Don't stop the jokes now! They were just starting to get funny!
Looking for a volunteer to start the poll fot the best 5 jokes so we can narrow it down to a winner????
Anyone?
scubagranny
24-09-08, 19:26
I loved the one about the Singapore airlines, the one about the dwarf, and dive granny's joke, vets fees.
the one about dive granny and the dwarf?? :eek: (I thought that was supposed to be a secret ;))
dive granny
24-09-08, 22:21
I like the Singapore airlinesone:D
A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
scubagranny
25-09-08, 10:09
Thatwas funny!!
- Why did the beach blush?
- Because the Sea Wee'd
****
- What fish goes up the river at 100mph?
- A motor pike
****
- Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
- To the prawn broker
****
- Why couldn't the pirates play cards?
- Because the Captain was sat on the deck
****
- What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?
- A nervous wreck!
****
-What do you get when you graduate from scuba diving school?
- A deep-loma.
I think that has exhausted my knowledge of sea related Penguin jokes there
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the man and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey?
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?"
And the man cries out, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too!":D
Chris@Aquatron
25-09-08, 12:40
- Why did the beach blush?
- Because the Sea Wee'd
****
- What fish goes up the river at 100mph?
- A motor pike
****
- Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
- To the prawn broker
****
- Why couldn't the pirates play cards?
- Because the Captain was sat on the deck
****
- What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?
- A nervous wreck!
****
-What do you get when you graduate from scuba diving school?
- A deep-loma.
I think that has exhausted my knowledge of sea related Penguin jokes there
They were brilliant! :D:D:D If I hadn't started the poll I would have had you on it!
Chris@Aquatron
25-09-08, 12:42
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the man and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey?
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?"
And the man cries out, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too!":D
LOL :D Another contender! It's a hard job I've got reading jokes all day!