bubblemaker
07-09-06, 21:21
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."
A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks. Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"
The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."
The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar. Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey.
Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.
The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."
A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately, there is a pile of dog shit just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink.
A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of shit, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.
The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."
The big guy punches him in the mouth.
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
A little boy went up to his dad and said "Dad, I don't understand the difference between potential and reality".
The Dad said, "Okay son, I will show you the difference. Firstly go up to your mother and ask her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for £1 million, then go up to your sister and ask her if she would sleep with Brad Bitt for £1 million."
The little boy slightly confused said "Okay" and went to see his mother. He asked his mother, "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for £1 million", his mother replied "don't tell your Dad, but yes I would."The little boy said, "Okay then" and went to find his sister.
He said to his sister "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for £1 million" His sister replied, "Yes I would!!!!"
The little boy went back to his Dad and said "Dad, I now understand what the diference is between potential and reality". His Dad replied, "I am glad son, explain it to me."
The little boy replied "Well, potentially we are sitting on £2 million but in reality we live with two slags!!!!"
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."
A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks. Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"
The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."
The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar. Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey.
Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.
The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."
A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately, there is a pile of dog shit just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink.
A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of shit, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.
The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."
The big guy punches him in the mouth.
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
A little boy went up to his dad and said "Dad, I don't understand the difference between potential and reality".
The Dad said, "Okay son, I will show you the difference. Firstly go up to your mother and ask her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for £1 million, then go up to your sister and ask her if she would sleep with Brad Bitt for £1 million."
The little boy slightly confused said "Okay" and went to see his mother. He asked his mother, "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for £1 million", his mother replied "don't tell your Dad, but yes I would."The little boy said, "Okay then" and went to find his sister.
He said to his sister "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for £1 million" His sister replied, "Yes I would!!!!"
The little boy went back to his Dad and said "Dad, I now understand what the diference is between potential and reality". His Dad replied, "I am glad son, explain it to me."
The little boy replied "Well, potentially we are sitting on £2 million but in reality we live with two slags!!!!"