tomy2tums
21-11-07, 01:08
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want!"
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want!"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
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Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
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Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest when they see a man who had recently passed away.
One cannibal says, "Look at this! You start at the feet and I'll start at the head and we'll meet in the middle."
So the two cannibals start eating.
After a half an hour one stops eating, looks up, and says, "I don't know about you, but this is great! How are you doing?"
The other cannibal answers, "This is great! I'm havin' a ball!"
The other cannibal says, "Hey, no fair! You're eating too fast!"
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A couple walked into the supermarket. They looked confused, so a clerk walked up to them and asked them what they wanted.
The couple asked for a couple of lottery tickets. He gave the tickets to them, and they paid for them.
The husband looked confused again. He asked the clerk, “What the hell do I do with these damn things?”
The clerk replied, “Well, you're supposed to scratch the box and see if you've won anything.”
The wife looked disgusted. “Oh please,” she muttered.
“What?” asked the clerk. “Oh nothing,” she answered, “it's just that, well, he's been scratching down there for years, and he ain't won a damn thing.”
-----------------------
A fat dude goes to his doctors, because he needed to lose weight.
''I'm at the end of my tether doctor, is there anything you can suggest I do?''
So the doctor examines him and after some prodding and tutting finally suggests that he should spend six months in hospital, with his jaws wired shut.
''Well, OK doctor, it sounds drastic, but I guess that's what I need.''
Anyway, six months go by and the dude comes out of hospital, thin as a rake. He goes round to the doctor's to thank him.
''There's only one problem doctor, you see I was so fat beforehand, that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?''
''Hmm, short of pretty comprehensive plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Take your clothes off a moment.''
So the dude strips down. Then, squeezing it all upwards, the doctor ties it in a ball above his head.
''That''s all well and good, doc'', the dude said, ''but my navel is now in the middle of my forehead.''
The doctor replies, ''Yes, but you should see what you have got for a collar and tie!''
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want!"
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want!"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
-------------------------------------
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
----------------------------
Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest when they see a man who had recently passed away.
One cannibal says, "Look at this! You start at the feet and I'll start at the head and we'll meet in the middle."
So the two cannibals start eating.
After a half an hour one stops eating, looks up, and says, "I don't know about you, but this is great! How are you doing?"
The other cannibal answers, "This is great! I'm havin' a ball!"
The other cannibal says, "Hey, no fair! You're eating too fast!"
----------------------
A couple walked into the supermarket. They looked confused, so a clerk walked up to them and asked them what they wanted.
The couple asked for a couple of lottery tickets. He gave the tickets to them, and they paid for them.
The husband looked confused again. He asked the clerk, “What the hell do I do with these damn things?”
The clerk replied, “Well, you're supposed to scratch the box and see if you've won anything.”
The wife looked disgusted. “Oh please,” she muttered.
“What?” asked the clerk. “Oh nothing,” she answered, “it's just that, well, he's been scratching down there for years, and he ain't won a damn thing.”
-----------------------
A fat dude goes to his doctors, because he needed to lose weight.
''I'm at the end of my tether doctor, is there anything you can suggest I do?''
So the doctor examines him and after some prodding and tutting finally suggests that he should spend six months in hospital, with his jaws wired shut.
''Well, OK doctor, it sounds drastic, but I guess that's what I need.''
Anyway, six months go by and the dude comes out of hospital, thin as a rake. He goes round to the doctor's to thank him.
''There's only one problem doctor, you see I was so fat beforehand, that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?''
''Hmm, short of pretty comprehensive plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Take your clothes off a moment.''
So the dude strips down. Then, squeezing it all upwards, the doctor ties it in a ball above his head.
''That''s all well and good, doc'', the dude said, ''but my navel is now in the middle of my forehead.''
The doctor replies, ''Yes, but you should see what you have got for a collar and tie!''