View Full Version : Just for laughs
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.” :D :D :D
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly said “Well, I can tell you that there's nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
Two guys are sitting at the bar. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other guy will do.
The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The second guy says,
"Go home dad you’re drunk again."
Jesus H ...
Jphn - did you just buy the "Bumper Book of Crap Jokes"??? :rolleyes:
Any of that in Oban next week and we'll have to lock your keys in the boot again :D :D :D
alexmaclennan
06-08-06, 20:37
Two dogs meet after the summer. Best of pals but not seen each other for months.
Mongrel says to the Pedigree: So how was your summer?
Pedigree: Good, I had two Firsts, two Seconds and was Highly Commended. So how was your summer?
Mongrel: Good, I had two fights, two f**cks and was highly delighted.
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass." :D :D :D
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the barman change shifts. The new barman comes in and goes up to the other barman and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again.":D
alexmaclennan
07-08-06, 04:32
A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
Frog says: Give me a whiskey and he'll have a pint.
Barman says to the man, while pulling pint: That's incredible.
Frog says: I know......and he started as a pimple on my arse.
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.” :D
This little Italian boy and this little Jewish boy lived about a block apart in the neighborhood and basically grew up together. The Jewish boy was the son of a jeweler and the Italian boy was
the son of a hitman. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday. Well, for their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy gets a Rolex watch and the little Italian boy gets a .22 Baretta.
The next day they are out on the street corner comparing their presents and neither is happy so they switch gifts with each other. The little Italian boy goes home to show his father and his father is NOT pleased!
"What're you, nuts? Lemme tell you something, you idiot!! Some day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff.
THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed with another man. What the heck ya gonna do??? Look at your watch and say, 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'" :D :D
craigdiver
06-09-06, 08:00
There's another good thing about diving - you can't tell jokes underwater!
(for the pedantic out there, full masks and comms are pretty uncommon in rec diving:p )
CraigDiver
There's another good thing about diving - you can't tell jokes underwater!
(for the pedantic out there, full masks and comms are pretty uncommon in rec diving:p )
CraigDiver
But u can talk with a rebreather and there r getting common now :D
craigdiver
06-09-06, 16:01
But u can talk with a rebreather and there r getting common now :D
How does that work then?:o
CraigDiver
How does that work then?:o
CraigDiver
You have a 30mm hose in your mouth which is like a speaker cabinet, the sound is distorted slightly but is still recognisable.
Listening Ding talking during a dive
please get me the nearest sting ray
Listening Ding talking during a dive
please get me the nearest sting ray
Would a thornback do?
40 degrees:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.
35 degrees:
Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.
20 degrees:
Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.
15 degrees:
Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.
0 degrees:
New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets cold.
-10 degrees:
People in Miami are extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.
-20 degrees:
Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.
-80 degrees:
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival excercise until it gets cold enough.
-100 degrees:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.
-173 degrees:
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs.
-297 degrees:
Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
-460 degrees:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying " A bit hill billy ... eh? "
-500 degrees:
Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in the World Cup
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.” :D
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.” :D
I've heard of recycling... but this is ridiculous! Check out post #11 from this very thread, Ding! :eek:
Have you been on the tequila tonight?
Your obviously not a golfer they dont have a memory and wouldn't remember reading this joke before.......:eek:
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he
looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and
asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times
before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your
pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she
looks good enough, I'll go home."
This man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the man and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey?
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?"
And the man cries out, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too!"
:D :D :D
alexmaclennan
11-10-06, 22:36
Man walking along the beach in Hawaii finds the old battered lamp. Rubs the lamp and the genie appears.
Genie says 'I've been in the lamp for ten thousand years. I'm a bit rusty so can only give you one wish......... and it had better not be difficult'
The man thinks and says 'Well I hate flying. You build me a bridge from Hawaii back to my home in San Diego so I can drive back'
Genie says 'A three thousand mile bridge! I said it had better not be difficult'
Man thinks again and says 'OK, so I'd just like to understand women'
Genie says 'Do you want four or eight lanes highways?'